It is impossible to live with someone who is always right…

“It is impossible to live with someone who always has to be right.” He said to himself as he shut the door behind him on his wife and his family. What he didn’t see was a woman desperate to be known, understood, and heard. The more he withdrew, the louder she got. What she didn’t see in her anger, fear, and pain was a man desperate to be known, understood, and heard. However, he was shut down by confrontation and fighting.

There seems only one answer to resolve the tension and pain. In divorce court they call it “irreconcilable differences”. They convince themselves they must have married the wrong person and that divorce will be better for the kids. It is stressful living in a loveless combat zone.

Sadly, it is all a lie.

Leonardo da Vinci said: “The greatest deception men suffer from is their own opinions.”

People that are always right desire security, control and the need to be heard. Each of these desires are understandably human and acceptable. But it is fear that drives us into an emotional and relational train wreck. Being right becomes an excessive and monopolizing part of our communication with others.

In her article, THE RIGHT WOMAN OR MAN THEORY–THE “I NEED TO BE RIGHT” WAY OF THINKING, Lynne Namka, Ed. D. says:

It’s part of being human to want to have our way. We all have a touch of need to be right and control others. We all have areas of self-righteousness where we believe that we know better than others. To the extent that this need to be right and consequent defensiveness permeates one’s life, the less connected you will be with others. It’s sad, but true, the more of you have of the following characteristics of rigidity of thought, the more anger and disapproval you will get from others:

_____ An insatiable need to be right which masks a deep fear of being wrong

_____ A high need to expect others to see it your way

_____ An inability to say, “I don’t know.” and “I was wrong.”

_____ Feeling threatened when new ideas come from other people

_____ Fear of hearing new information that threatens your beliefs

_____ Fear of letting go; need to be in control of self at all times

_____ Preoccupation with winning approval from others

_____ The need to always be seen as tough, powerful and strong

_____ Pride at always being rational and logical

_____ Uncomfortable with expressing sensitive feelings

_____ Shame and fear of being vulnerable and insecure

_____ Fear and severe discomfort about having bad feelings

_____ Believe that others who disagree with you should “just get over it”

_____ Use anger, withdrawal or blaming to settle arguments

[Use by permission of Lynne Namka Ed. D.]

At the core, both people in the story I told earlier were desperate for the same thing. A deep and meaningful intimacy with another human being.  Each desired a relationship with someone who could see them, know them, understand them, and accept them – flaws and all. If neither person is able to build that level of intimacy in this relationship, they will never be able to give it in different relationship. If you are looking for someone to agree with you all the time or even half the time, you are living in a Fantasy Land. Knowing someone intimately takes true sacrifice.

You have to want to be happy more than you want to be right. When you change, others around you begin to change as well. But it takes maturity, time, humility, integrity and sacrificial love.

FREEING YOURSELF AND OTHERS:

When we have to be right all the time we choose a win/lose approach to communication and relationships. We don’t consider the long term cost of our win to his or her lose. Our egos tell we deserve the respect of being right and they need to notice and acknowledge us. We become so focused on protecting our own egos we forget to protect the most important thing of all, our relationships.

1)    Start with awareness. Observe the emotion behind the fight or flight response you are having. The self-reflection questions below may be a helpful place for you to start. Why is it more important for you to be right than to be in a happy relationship with others?

2)    Consider past influences. What childhood experience led you here? Were you ignored, criticized, or abused? If you bristle at the thought of your past, please consider connecting with a counselor. Repressing your emotions will only lead to bigger problems in your future. You don’t have to live in your past, but you do need to understand what is driving you to act the way you do.

3)    Adopt a win/win attitude. Adopting a win/win attitude means you will respect others opinions regardless of if you determine to adopt their perspective. This is a “we” inclusive approach in which you believe there is the option of and/both instead of either/or.

SOME QUESTIONS FOR SELF-REFLECTION

• What will happen if I let go of my need to be right?
• What won’t happen if I let go of my need to be right?
• What will happen if I don’t let go of my need to be right?
• What won’t happen if I don’t let go of my need to be right?
• What is threatening to me about not being right?
• Do I feel enslaved by a need to be right? If so, how does this feeling affect me?
• How do I feel when I am “wrong?” Why do I feel this way?
• What was it like to be “right” and “wrong” when I was growing up? How does this dynamic play out now in my adult life – at work, at home and at play?
• Would I rather be right than happy? Honestly.

Questions provided by: Peter Vajda and Management.Issues.com

Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D, C.P.C. is a seminar leader, workshop facilitator and speaker. He is the founding partner of True North Partnering, an Atlanta-based company that supports conscious living through coaching, counselling and facilitating.

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Angela