Warning Signs for Parents

I am struggling.

…struggling with the fact that so many teens are experiencing depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal thoughts.

I am struggling with the fact that this very teen I describe may be living in your home or mine, and you and I could be completely unaware of it.

You may be thinking; this isn’t my kids. You may be thinking; I am highly invested and involved in my kid’s life and future. You may be thinking; kids who experience depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicidal thoughts only come from broken or abusive homes or have mental illness.

Your kid is seemingly thriving… He is class president, captain of the baseball team and volunteers with Special Olympics on the weekends. She is an “A” student, athlete, award winning musician and always cheering others on.

You are a parent who is paying attention. You even follower his or her social media accounts. You observe your teens social interactions as light-hearted, positive and encouraging.

But there is a lurking threat to our teens that most parents can’t see and are not aware off.

It is called, perfectionism.

If your son or daughter is a high-achiever, keep reading!

Following are the warning signs and 10 tips to help your child avoid perfectionism.  Written by, Brian D. Johnson, Ph.D. and Laurie Berdahl, M.D.

Studies show that about 3 in 10 teenagers have some problem with perfectionism, more commonly in girls than boys. There appears to be a rise in the number of youths who have a perfectionistic mindset, in which:

• They think they must achieve at very high levels in at least one activity, or at multiple activities (such as grades and a sport)
• Achievement is tied to worth as a person—so if they don’t achieve what is expected or desired, they believe they are unworthy failures or losers
• Achievement is pursued at all costs, even when it causes psychological or physical harm  
• Self-evaluation and self-criticism is prominent, with frequent doubts and concerns about performance
• The middle ground of being “good enough” is viewed as failure instead of a normal, realistic state of being human  

Ten tips to help your children avoid perfectionism or challenge it when it rears its ugly head:  

1. Even if you don’t suspect the problem, talk about the pitfalls of perfectionism. You could say, “No one is perfect and achieves everything they want, and trying to be perfect is exhausting, feels bad, and makes it harder to do things well. Some people only feel good about themselves when they do things very well, but that isn’t healthy. How well you perform doesn’t affect how good a person or how valuable you are.” You can use real-life examples to kick off the conversation, such as when a sports figure plays poorly, or a show character makes a regrettable mistake.
2. Let children achieve through their own efforts as long as it is good enough, even if they could have done better with your help.
3. Keep your expectations realistic and focused on their character, work effort, and coping skills.
4. Let kids make mistakes and learn from them, instead of attempting to prevent mistakes by sheltering and doing things they should be doing themselves.
5. After you make a mistake, share it along with what you’ll do differently next time to avoid making the same mistake again. Own your mistake by not blaming others, but learning from it and moving on instead of wallowing in it. You can say, “Everyone makes mistakes and it doesn’t change how I feel about myself. I’m still learning, which is smart.”
6. When kids experience disappointment, failure, or make a mistake, observe their responses and challenge overreactions. Say, “Making a mistake (or losing) doesn’t make you stupid or worthless. That’s an exaggeration that isn’t helpful.” Guide them to change approaches for better results as needed.
7. If they seek activity recognition with awards, lead parts, and officer positions, ask how your kids’ feel about these achievements (or lack of), what it costs them, and what they gain from them.
8. Regardless of achievement level, don’t be fooled by smiling faces—ask your kids about pressures they and other kids face today and how they cope. Be on the lookout for signs of struggle and talk often if they say they are just fine and don’t have any pressures or problems—it’s tough growing up in our broken world, especially with today’s unlimited media access.
9. Praise children for who they are and what they are doing to become good people more than their achievements. Praise them just for being yours, not for what they do (“I’m so lucky I have you in my life”). Praise effort, persistence, learning, and enjoyment more than achievements. Compliment when they admit and learn from mistakes, are kind, talk about feelings, share disappointments, show self-compassion (talk nicely to themselves and about themselves like they would to a friend), support other people’s desires ahead of their own, set goals and work toward them, and seem okay with not being perfect, but good enough.
10. Show them “good enough” acceptance of yourself. No one is perfect and that is perfectly OK. One doesn’t need to get what they want or be brilliant, excellent, or beautiful to be happy.  

References

Brian D. Johnson, Ph.D. and Laurie Berdahl, M.D. (2018). Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/warning-signs-parents/201811/is-your-child-high-achiever?amp

Vekas, Eva J., & Wade, Tracey D. (2017). The impact of a universal intervention targeting perfectionism in children: An exploratory controlled trial. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 56(4), 458-473.