When you do don’t battle depression, it can be hard to know how to help. When you do battle depression, it is hard to know where to get help. Regardless, of what you battle, Alex’s story will help you.
I asked Alex to choose a picture that expressed her journey. Alex wrote: “I feel like that one fits. It’s from 2013. I’m a sailor and waves will not defeat me.” Alex
Battling Depression
by Alexandra Nicole
You feel heavy, you are not able to move with this amount weight. You force yourself to breathe in, then out. You step outside, and the colors of the autumn leaves fade to grey. The grass that you know should be green is another shade of grey that contrasts the leaves that have fallen. You sink down to the ground, counting all the things you have to be grateful for, but you just can’t muster the strength to put on a smile. The muscles in your face are so sore that you can no longer force a fake smile to appease. You are so exhausted, all you want to do is sleep your days away. You softly cry out to God as you can’t scream any longer. Your body weak from this lingering sadness. You feel like you are trapped in a body that you have no control over.
This is depression.
A leech that you can’t rid yourself of despite all attempts. The life, the color, all of it being drained from you like a horror story.
My name is Alexandra and I battle depression.
It comes like waves from a far distance and crash down over me without warning. Searching for answers, I came to find that in parts of the year it is worse than others. I have heard over and over, “Oh, well you just need to think of all the amazing things you have and shake it off”… as if you could somehow shake a tiny, life sucking leech off easily. Although, I understand, phrases like these hurt.
I am a Christian and my faith has only grown and deepened through all my pain and suffering. I am also a pastor’s kid. Yup.. a PK… It’s almost laughable to think “How can I battle with all these things and still be wanted by God?” Most Christians doesn’t understand and will desert me as soon as I tell them I have depression.
And how do I tell my mom (the pastor) that I battle depression and anxiety, and that I have been diagnosed with suicidal inclinations? Explaining, while I will not act on it, when I am depressed, I have little control over the thoughts in my head. My self worth lowers as that leech, depression, sucks all the color from me.
But telling my mom that was the best thing I could have done. She talked to me and told me that God loved me no matter what. That while it may seem grim and bleak now, these struggles and obstacles will not last. She quoted me Bible verses and reminded me, lovingly, that I am His child. She told me, when I hurt, so does He.
I know that it is hard to take the lies of depression and flush them, but do not be ashamed that you are struggling with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, just because you are a Christian. Having those struggles does not mean that you are any less of a Christian than the others that don’t battle those things. They may have a different battle.
“Shake it off” is a hard thing to hear when you are just being beat by wave after wave, but going to the Church and sitting with someone or a few people and just sitting is better than slumping lower and lower into that pit. You don’t even have to tell them if you don’t want to but don’t feel that you are less than just because you battle depression. You are a victor! You will get through this. Accept this life raft of community.
Tweet ThisAll you have to do is hold on as they pull you to safety. Let them sit with you in silence as you gather your breath. You are a survivor and this will not be forever. You will find healing and freedom. But till that glorious day comes, trust those that want to help you heal.
Love, Alex
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